WARMTH

And this emotion inhabits my soul.

Love so eternal for those around me.

Challenge yourself to be compelled. 

Compelled to the warmth I exude.

GUILT, MAYBE

The feelings you still invoke surprise me from time to time. Remembering things I shouldn't make me feel happy and at peace: hoping that I'm not as damaged as I thought I would be. No wonder I adore talking to your brother. No wonder I felt compelled to greet your father. No matter how informal, I still get nervous: nervous that you'll know, nervous of impressions, nervous of reconnection. I loved you, not anymore. Yet, I can't deny - I won't - that I adore the life I had with you. I loved what you did for me, no matter how austere or ostentatious. I loved the love you gave me, or pretended to give me. I'm not sure, and I'm not sure I care.

I think the universe wants us to reconnect.

I think others might have the same wish.

I think I'll be conservative, for once, and sleep with guilt, or lack thereof.

Simple. Motivated.

Your hands so bare
are more illustrative
than all of the literature
I can lay my hands on.
Those bare hands-
play so beautifully
explicate thoroughly-
have not graced mine.
Although so close,
I can only imagine-
how they feel,
the warmth,
the comfort.
Although we're close,
I can only imagine
the love you could exude.

Lovely

I cannot resist: your eyes are so lovely.
Your voice so soothing.
Your hands so far, but yet, sort of close.


I cannot resist, but I must. 


I can't live this again. 


You poor soul. You know what's on the other side.
Let go.


Let go, and you'll be fine.


I'm here to catch you.


Just let go, Lovely.

Tears for the Loneliness

Te fuiste tantas veces:
no solo como tu,
sino tambien como el, 
y hasta el siguiente.


Quedate, por favor.


Quedate la noche
Quedate la madrugada.


Te recuerdas de esa noche - tan bella
el mar, la luna
tus ojos, tus manos
mis abrazos, mis besos


Hazme sentir eso mismo
Dame el amor otra vez
Hazme tu prisonera


Viviendo tan sola -
Mirame, tan enferma


Enferma de soledad.

La Neblina

I don't know what it is about these men, or whatever, with a plethora of problems, that make me so interested. Am I looking for the empathy that I exude? Perhaps, and it's more than likely the case. His mystery, his newness: all of it was, and remains, attractive. It was short lived, thank goodness, but I still had hope. Still wanted more. I still wanted to have that someone that I cannot have. I'm not even sure who this is about anymore. Is it about you, the rationalizing and calculating one, or is it him, the abstract and reserved one? I want to say him, but this heart tells me it is a lie. It is a lie to say anything is over. It is a lie to say I forgot. It's even a lie to say that I forgave. I'm sorry, I just won't lie like that. It's foreign, and what do I gain from it? This introspection pains me much more than I thought it would have, but still- no surprise. There's hardly a surprise to anything anymore- except for one.


My ray of sunlight: he separates the haze that you create sometimes. He separates pain for joy. He separates the good from the bad. He separates you that I loved from you that I abhor. 


Yet, haze envelops apathetically, and I live in grey. I live in grey, hoping that the warmer and familiar hues of you return, even for a while.

MIO

I loved you like the warmth of the sun

the dead of winter

the tears of the sky

I loved you more than my heart could handle.

And now you're out in the world, 

hopefully happy

hopefully safe

Just like me.

I loved you like no other,

and yet the memories melt-

he's making his mark

he's taking me in

Taking This Past Year, and Making Something Beautiful of It.

Introspecting, I find a solution to the chaos of life. Confusion is contained; Calamity is calmed. Balance is maintained. And that balance must embrace Truth. Without Truth, my world stops, I cave, I regress, I fall, I trip, I stutter, I mutter, I... I... I am not me. Truth tucks away all the fears and paranoias that emerge at the sound of your... At the sound of that which I do not want.


And I've been graced.


I've been set free.


I've stopped the paranoid daydreams.


Truth came to visit me, and we both left satisfied.


Truth came to visit me, and I found the solution to the chaos of one year ago.

Resurrect

Resurrecting the demon inside me:
it snarls, it quivers, it rattles me.
There's no relinquishing
this monster-
with eyes so fiery
with grasps so strong
with power so infinite.
Temptation is so inviting,
and I must be cordial;
Is this the downfall?
Is this my cue
to fall into vice?
into habit?
into love?
Can my heart come out to play?
Or is it best for the monster to stay inside?

Pointe de la Langue

Familiarity has no antidote -


simple memories
turn so bitter
and time passes
but they don't wither....


futile memories:
why is there a delay
in the process of decay?


cringe inducing memories
always overstay their visit
perhaps lovely if they weren't
so appealing and illicit


Familiarity has no antidote - 
But I'm not sure I even wanted one

You Flit.

Broken hearts don't heal, at least not mine. This discourse isn't for you, although I wish it were.

You were beautiful to me. You were everything to me. The morning, the day, the evening, the night: all was you. And I wouldn't have had it any other way, but you did. And I can't forgive myself for not seeing that. I can't come to terms with this loss; I can't come to terms that I wasn't good enough for you. Did I falter? No, there was no way I could have! I did everything and more I could - just for you. No questions asked, ever. But it was easy for you to..... I refuse to recall.

While inhibiting myself, you cavort around - how utterly expected of you.

While I spend the days up and down, you flit around.

La Tua Piccola, Sempre

Calling you - no, I mustn't.

I'm not desperate

I'm not obsessed

I'm not even upset.

I just love you

Silly (I know) but -

it only took a moment

to love you eternally

to care for you

to never erase you from this heart.

The dreams: golden and caramel -

they've returned,

yet you're nowhere to be found.

I plow through the days,

none as colorful as last winter.

The warm grey -

where is it?

Where are you?

I'd sign off any composure I had

just to see you

I'd sign off any permanence 

to know you still love me.

The Past Never Really Goes Away, Now Does It?

His wide eyes, his light caramel skin, and his effeminate posture made my heart and soul sink. Sink so low that light no longer caresses. Yet, this darkness is alluring, and it's even, dare I say? Familiar. You're rushing, you don't even know, but you are: back to where you should belong, back to a place of comfort, back to a place of just, lust, and love. You're rushing back to me, and you don't even know! Please - I don't want to be alone in this reconnection. 


His innocence inquires, and I mustn't relay the gruesome details that pierced me, and continue to do so. How do I answer without lying to his naivety? How do I answer without being apathetic to his true self? I couldn't - I lied, partially. He's your blood, not mine, yet I'm obligated, much like I was then, and compelled to protect him from harm, even if it is you. I'm compelled to be the stabilizing force you cannot offer to him; even in your absence, he is tormented by scrutiny: let him live! Live beautifully, simply, honestly. 


The embraces spark a fire. Not between him and I, but between us. You were there: in mannerisms, in speech, in quirks, in slight appearance, in spirit. I felt you there, felt you near. Felt a warmth that hasn't been replaced yet. Felt ...


It's a late hour, and I'm here, contemplating, wondering, wishing, abhorring, loving. You shouldn't have left this heart to shrivel. It was all yours, in everything. I'm here, stammering the same arguments, the same fucking arguments that you never cared to listen to. I'm crushing myself to try to attract your reason, but there's no dealing with you rationally, is there? You degraded yourself: I believed in you. With everything I had. Not because I had to: you, somehow, shone a light that could not have been ignored, yet.... it was futile. That light was not yours; then whose? Then why?


I can't breathe anything but YOU now, and I'm falling short of breath....


Stammering, crying, craving, raving, ranting, panting


You never really went away, did you?